PowerListening

Entire industries have been built upon pointing out the differences between men and women.  Films have been made, plays written, pop psychology books penned, studies conducted, comedy routines performed, all revolving around the many ways the genders fail to understand the way each other thinks and behaves.   It should come as no surprise that men and women tend to differ in the ways they interpret and use nonverbal communication.

Psychologists, Sociologists and Neuroscientists argue amongst themselves over how much of the difference in the way the genders communicate is due to biology and how much is due to learned behaviors.  On the biology side, it’s clear that men’s and women’s brains are not structured in the same way.  The areas devoted to spacial reasoning are larger in the male brain, for example, while, unlike men, women process language in both hemispheres of their brain, and possess a greater ability to coordinate brain activity between both hemispheres.  On the ‘learned behavior side,’ though, we can point out that the brain is a highly ‘plastic’ organism, it changes its structure based on what is demanded of it.  So if men and women have different brains, it may be partly because society pushes them into different roles that require very different types of thinking.

Whether nature or nurture or a combination of both, one thing is certain:  men and women always have and always will ask themselves, “why can’t I figure out what he/she is thinking?”  It turns out that the answer to that question, also the solution, can be found in body language.

Here are five things that men and women should know about each other’s body language:

1) On average, women are better at men at interpreting non-verbal signals.  This is particularly true when it comes to recognizing the emotions expressed in facial expressions.  When it comes to recognizing the emotions expressed by tone of voice or body movement the genders are much closer in skill, but women still possess a slight edge.

The flip side to this is that women tend to think they’re more accurate than they really are, and men tend to think they’re less accurate than they really are.  In other words, women tend to be overconfident in their sensitivity to nonverbal cues while men tend to be under confident.

The takeaway is that women should guard against a rush to judgment about what a man might be really thinking, while men should be a bit more trusting of their gut impressions.

2) On average, women express themselves more accurately through their body language and nonverbal behavior.  What this means is that the emotions they intend to convey through their body language are more frequently the emotions that other people perceive, while with men the emotions others ‘receive’ from their body language are less often what they really intend to convey.

The takeaway is that women are not as inscrutable as popular culture has often made them out to be, while men are not the simple, dumb brutes that they are often portrayed as.

3) Men, on average, have less control of their emotional responses to other people’s body language. In particular, the emotional part of their brains has a harder time distinguishing between threats to their physical well-being and threats to their ego.  This means that men are acutely reactive to body language that conveys disapproval, scorn or ridicule.  It’s not that women don’t perceive this kind of body language, and when they do perceive it they certainly don’t like it.  But the parts of the brain that allow them to moderate their emotional reactions and plan a strategic response are larger than for men, which makes men comparatively more likely to fly off the handle.

The takeaway is that men should become more aware of the swiftness of their emotional responses to nonverbal cues and plan strategies to get some control over them, while women should be aware that men will tend to be more hesitant to venture into situations that might gain them negative attention.  In dating situations, many men will be hesitant to make an approach unless they’re fairly certain from a woman’s body language that she won’t be rejecting him.

4)These differences apply only to averages, they don’t apply to individuals.  Within each gender is a huge range of nonverbal abilities and emotional responses.  Many men are innately sensitive to nonverbal cues just as many women are clueless.

The takeaway is that while we should be aware of how the differences in communication styles between men and women can trip us up, we shouldn’t assume that they will.  Each person we meet is a unique individual and we should take the time and effort to get to know them as they really are, not as a stereotype tells us they should be.

5)The differences in sensitivity to nonverbal  cues can be overcome through practice.  As I mentioned earlier, the brain will rewire itself based upon what we demand of it.  So if we take the time to learn about each other’s body language and work at it over and over, we’ll get better at understanding each other.

In spite of what you may have read, men are not really from Mars and women are not really from Venus.  While it’s true that ‘on average’ our brain structures differ and our communication styles differ, across the broad spectrum of each gender is the complete range of possible behaviors.  In reality the differences between the way we think are fairly trivial when compared to the similarities.  It’s foolish to allow a stereotype of gender behavior dictate how we relate to one another.

As always, the main reason people fail to understand one another is because they never paid attention in the first place.

I was hoping to do a series on the body language of the upcoming presidential debates, but it turns out I’ll be working during each one.  Luckily, there are plenty of body language watchers out there who are planning on covering it.  With that in mind, here’s a preview of what to look for.

I had a great question from a person who had recently seen one of my shows.  He wanted to know how it would be possible to use people-reading skills during my routine where I have audience volunteers duct-tape my eyes  shut.  I explained that “people reading” included not only body language, but also listening.  Indeed, among the most useful skills of all is the ability to listen to not only what a person says, but what they’re holding back.

The questioner responded to me by asking what might happen if the person I’m speaking with has a monotone voice.  Would that shut me down?  The answer I gave was that it might, but that I also get a lot of information from listening to the responses of the people who are sitting near the person I’m ostensibly “mind-reading;”  people who very likely know that individual and what he or she might  be concentrating on.

I realize that my answers were vague, so I thought it might be fun to go into some more detail.  After all, sometimes it’s cool to peek behind the curtain.  Let me be clear, I am not suggesting that the process I’m about to describe is the sole explanation behind my ‘thought-reading’ demonstrations.  Part of the fun of my work is that I’m able to weave different techniques in and out of one another, so it’s impossible to tell where one technique starts and another begins.  Another part of the fun is that as an entertainer I’m allowed to use any techniques available that might get me to where I need to go.  So I do have other skills and techniques that I draw upon, but I’m keeping them secret.  If I didn’t, there would be no mystery, would there?

The most important rule of communication is that it’s impossible to not communicate. Withholding information, for example, telegraphs valuable clues about the mindset of the person doing it.  It tells me either that they’re actively trying to hide something from me, or whether they’re thinking of something complicated enough that it’s impossible to describe all of it in a short response.

In the case of somebody speaking in a monotone, for example, it’s possible to infer that either they’re not an emotionally demonstrative person or that they’re trying to maintain a ‘poker voice’ if you will–the kind of voice that would give no clues.  In fact, the two would be pretty easy to distinguish.  The ‘poker voice’ would have elements of tension in it that the true monotone would not have.   In either case I can make educated guesses about the person’s behavior.  Past experience has shown me that emotionally inhibited people tend to focus on a relatively narrow range of “facts’ about themselves, and I have a very detailed mental list of the types of things usually included.  On the other hand, people who are taking pains to block me tend to focus on information they think would be difficult to guess, things they want to test me with. Luckily even these things fall into fairly predictable categories.  It turns out that when we think we’re being unique, most of us are being unique in pretty much the same way.

So we can see that even a monotone is likely to give me some information to work with.  If it doesn’t, or if the inferences I make turn out to be wrong, I can always move on.  But even if everybody spoke in precisely the same tone, there would still be plenty of clues available from other aspects of the voice.

I ask questions during my “thought-reading” presentations.  Although I make it clear that the questions are part of the process, sometimes people will refuse to answer, saying something like “you’re the mind-reader, you tell me.”  What they’ve just communicated to me is that they’re not going to be cooperative.  While that’s not exactly an earth shattering insight, it is possible to make all sorts of inferences about a person’s life from that information alone.  I could continue to ‘read’ this  individual, particularly spending time  on their personal relationships, for quite some time, but the interaction wouldn’t be entertaining or pleasant for anybody in the audience to follow.  Usually I’ll just pass this person by.

Even if the person doesn’t directly challenge  me, the speed of their response and the depth of their  response–whether they offer up additional information or whether they keep to very short replies–will generally tell me whether they’re cooperative, skeptical, suggestible, or willful.  Each of these attitudes can offer valuable clues about the general categories of material these people  chose to concentrate on.   From there I have a basis for a range of educated guesses and further probing.

The second most important rule about communication is that all communication is goal directed.  People choose their particular communication strategies because they serve some purpose.  Listening between the lines is largely the process of asking yourself what that purpose is.  If you can answer that question, it’s a very small step from understanding their personality type, their attitude toward what’s going on around them at the moment, and their attitude towards you.

Most people seem to understand the value of non-verbal communication skills, but occasionally I am confronted by a person who has that “what’s in it for me?” attitude.  While thinking about that question recently, I happened to recall the day I bought my current car.  Michael, the salesman who sold my by Acura, is a great example of even a little bit of attention to body langauge can pay off in a big way.

I put around 50,000 miles per year on my car.  Consequently, I go through the darn things a bit faster than most.  Four years ago I decided to visit one of those big auto malls to purchase my new vehicle, and I was met at the door by Michael, who handed me his card and asked me what I was looking for.

I told Michael that I wanted something that would be comfortable on the road, have decent power, yet still get fairly decent gas mileage.  I also told him that, as I lead a pretty active, outdoor lifestyle, I thought I was interested in a small SUV.  “No problem,” he told me, and we went off to try some out.

I remember the first one he showed me.  It was a Honda, and from the outside it looked great.  But the moment I sat in the driver’s seat, it just didn’t feel right.  I couldn’t have told  you exactly what I didn’t like about it, but it just wasn’t “the one.”  We went looking for more, but I had the same experience with the next two.

After the third try, Michael said to me, “we could look at another SUV, but if you’re willing I have something else I’d like you to take a look at.”  From there we went to see some Acura sedans.  The moment I sat in the car that I eventually bought, I knew it was the one for me.  It wasn’t a rational decision, it just ‘felt right.’

When I was signing the papers, I asked Michael why he decided not to show me to another SUV.   He said, “Every time you walked up to a SUV you were really animated, but the moment you got behind the wheel you suddenly became very still and quiet.  I could see you just didn’t like the feel of it.  You had talked yourself into the idea of an SUV, but your heart just wasn’t in it.   I guessed that you wanted the feel of something that hugged the road better, and it turned out I was right.”

Michael didn’t read my mind.  He didn’t know what I wanted, at least not precisely.  Instead, he observed enough to be able to tell what I didn’t want.  As it happened, that was all he needed to know.  From there it was just a matter of experimenting until I found something that made me happy.  The result for him was a nice commission.

It’s not about reading minds.  It’s about being sensitive to people’s moods.  But if you can do that, it sure looks like reading minds.

The rule is that 95 percent of everything is crap.  And at least one celebrity blogger has learned that this is particularly true of so-called “celebrity body langauge experts,” who analyze photos of stars on the red carpet.

Since I have almost zero interest in celebrities or red carpets I’m not familiar with Jenni Maier, but it appears she’s a gossip columnist of sorts.  Apparently she has the temerity to doubt a Ph.D who asserts that a photo of Robert Pattinson with his hands in his pockets and mixed expression on his face indicates that the actor is ‘hiding something,’ serious and portentious.  Presumably that something is about either his romantic life or his professional life, because if it turns out he just chewed his fingernails nobody would care.  Shockingly, Maier has the temerity to mock the learned “expert.”   Shouldn’t she be in awe of his credentials?

Well, Jenni Maier is right.  The experts statements are hogwash!  Given that she’s on the celebrity beat, it’s not surprising that she can spot a line of bull when she reads one.  Let’s be perfectly clear about this:  analyzing body language from a single almost never tells you anything of value about a person’s state of mind.  Non-verbal communication is not a snap-shot.  It can only be understood fully when it’s in motion.  Context! Context! Context!  And that’s exactly what single photo leaves out.

Maier jokes about the notion that Pattinson having his hands in his pockets means he has something to hide.  She asks, “his hands?”  Sure, why not?  Given that you have nothing else to go on, that’s as good an explanation as any other.  Without knowing what led up to this action, without being able to see what’s going on around him, without seeing his body language both before and after this shot, any pronouncements are simply exercises of the imagination.  That kind of exercise can be helpful if you’re trying to learn body language, because it forces  you to pay attention to small details, but it shouldn’t be mistaken for truth.

Speaking of truth, I’ll let you in on a little one about celebrity body language experts:  most of them are full of it!   Time and again I see them perpetuating the myth that a snapshot is a reliable source of clues about a person’s inner life.   Here’s the thing:  many of them are Ph.D’s;  they really do know a lot about non-verbal communication.  Unfortunately they ignore a lot of what they know, or at least a lot of what is known, about the subject for the purposes of entertainment. 

Why do they do this?  Money, of course!   Writing about celebrities gets you in the media.  Once you’re in the media, you can plug your courses and seminars.  My suggestion:  treat celebrity body langauge experts with about the same level of seriousness as you do the guy who writes the horoscopes for your local newspaper.  It’s fun and entertainment, nothing more. 

I was hard at work on a post about body language for job interviews when I saw this.    Her suggestions are both simple and powerful. 

If you’re not familiar with Ms. Goman’s work, make it your job to follow her posts on Forbes.com.  She also has a great book out on body language in the workplace.